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Adoption proves no less exhausting for couple who tried it all

Ashley May
USA TODAY
Lindy and Thomas Davies struggled to become pregnant for eight years before adopting a baby boy.

There was a time that Lindy and Thomas Davies talked about having five children. For the Mormon couple from Richmond, Va., having kids seemed like the obvious next step after marriage.

"We believe that families are eternal," Lindy said. "Our family unit doesn’t end at death. In the next life, our family will be together."

But the Davies’ desire to have children became a painful waiting game that lasted far beyond nine months. 

After trying to conceive naturally, an intrauterine insemination (IUI), four rounds of in vitro fertilization and adoption dead-ends, they weren't sure they'd ever become parents.

"There does come a point where you wonder if you can go forward with this process," Lindy said.

Failed natural conception wasn’t a surprise. 

"There was always an assumption this would be the case,” Thomas said. 

About one in eight married couples experience infertility, according to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data. Before Lindy and Thomas married, a doctor told Thomas it was likely he couldn't conceive. He prepared Lindy for that reality before they wed, and she said she was willing to explore other options if necessary. 

When IUI failed, IVF was their next step. They were hopeful when they chose a sperm donor who was "getting everyone else pregnant," Lindy said. 

Friends and family largely supported their decision.  

While Mormons “strongly discourage” the use of surrogate parents or using eggs or sperm from anyone but the husband or wife, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spokesman Eric Hawkins said judgment is ultimately left to the couple

That was Lindy's last chance at carrying a child. 

"The doctors were standing over me," Lindy said. "They were shooting to have at least 20 to 30 eggs, and I only produced five."

"Through the curtain next door, there was another lady who was just waking up, too," Thomas said. "The doctor said (to the other woman), 'Oh, you only had 50.' She was so disappointed."

Lindy went through four rounds of in vitro fertilization.  

More coverage: 

How faith communities view different fertility treatments

7 things you should never say to a woman experiencing infertility

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On the last try, Lindy became pregnant. When she heard the news, she was with a friend at a cupcake shop. 

Not even two months later, she miscarried.

“It was heartbreaking,” she said. “I was sad. I was mad. I was upset, really.”

“The psychological impact of infertility … is extremely profound,” said Alice Domar, director of integrative care at Boston IVF. “In fact, women with infertility have the same level of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, HIV positive status or heart disease."

The fertility treatments weren’t working and they wreaked havoc on Lindy’s body.

“I still suffer from the night sweats and the hot flashes,” Lindy said. “It put me in a pre-menopause stage. It messed me up.”

The couple decided to adopt. Not having children wasn't an option for the couple. 

"What we were concerned about was the end goal, finding a child some way," Thomas said. "We weren’t concerned about the methods. ...  As long as we could end up with a child, we were comfortable with all the pathways."

Adopting a healthy infant usually takes two to seven years, according to the National Adoption Center.  To be cleared for adoption, couples often must undergo a background check, home inspection and physicals — even the Davies' dog had to get a physical. Requirements differ by state.

"It’s not something where you can make a decision and say 'I want to adopt a baby today' and two weeks from now you’re able to," Thomas said. "It could be months before you are approved by the state to start looking."

To save money, they started an account with Adoption.com rather than work through an agency. That meant expectant mothers could contact them directly. It also meant the Davies had to screen each mom themselves — a process that could extend the wait for a child. 

"Adoption.com is like a giant Facebook profile," Thomas said.

"We got scammed twice before we were able to adopt Grayson," Lindy said.

One woman called the Davies at all hours of the night and day demanding they talk with her for hours at a time, even saying she believed she was going into labor when that wasn't the case.

"Then, she would get to the point where she’s saying: 'You don’t want to talk to me? You don’t love me? You don’t want this baby anymore,'" Lindy said.

Thomas recognized something was wrong, and the Davies ended their relationship with that mother. 

On another occasion, a woman convinced the Davies she was pregnant by sending them altered photos of her belly. They eventually made plans to adopt the mother's child, but that all changed the night before they planned to go to the hospital. 

"We were packed, ready to go to Oregon for her birth," Thomas said. "She called and said, 'I’m going into labor' … and all communication stopped. We called the emergency room and they said she’s not here. She had led us on." 

After nearly three years trying to adopt, the Davies met with a mother in Tennessee to finalize the adoption of a baby boy. But even after Lindy and Thomas were holding the newborn, they had to wait 14 days to be sure the adoption was final. 

“You want to believe with all your heart this is your baby, but … you just don’t know,” Lindy said.

The adoption did go through, and Lindy and Thomas' dream of becoming parents finally began with their son, Grayson. 

Thomas Davies, left, and wife Lindy were able to adopt Grayson, right, after years of trying to conceive.

"There does come points where you wonder if you can go forward with this process, because it is very emotional," Lindy said. "Women who are lucky enough to give birth, they go through a lot of physical changes. Those of us who are going through adoption, we have a lot more emotional hardships."

The Davies started searching two years ago for a second child and enlisted the help of an agency, where adopting a child costs $35,000 to $45,000, double what an adoption costs through Adoption.com.

Recently, Lindy and Thomas' social worker connected them with an agency eager to find homes for several babies on the way. The Davies spoke with a mom who's expecting a baby boy July 31. Within 24 hours of the introduction, the Davies were approved for the adoption. 

"I’ll just have two," Lindy said. "I do not want to go through this ever again."

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