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Some days I think I am the pigeon, and some days, the statue.

Some days I think soar with the pigeons, and then the day comes when I find out that I am the statue.

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There were the old days in car construction when the air bags were only on the driver's side. It was optional to get one on the rider side, having a “get well” card available.

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When wife June and I were bringing up four small children, we labeled the last one to get a bath "a ring leader."

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Listening to old deer hunters tell their stories at the M&M, this one cogger told the story that he was up north during deer season and wasn't having any luck. According to him, he was out in the woods, spotted a buck and took two shots. However, before he could get the cork on his bottle, the deer had disappeared.

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Playing sheepshead with this group, I secretly wrote down some of their comments:

"Now don't worry about it, pay me back when you feel like it."

"You haven't changed one bit."

"I don't agree with you, but I respect your opinion."

"I didn't need a plumber, as I can fix it myself."

"Winning is everything. It doesn’t make a difference if I win or lose."

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In my long marriage to wife June, I can really remember two of her offhand comments.

The first was out in the woods on a walk, she said "That's not poison ivy. I know poison ivy when I see it.”

Then, there was the time at the Trump Lake cottage and she said, "Fred, you don't have to bring the boat closer to the dock. I can jump from here."

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The trouble with getting older is you get to the point at which the prices on the menu don't matter anymore, but the calories do.

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Life is like a deck of cards. When you are in love it is hearts. Then when you want to get married it is diamonds. Next, when you are actually married it is clubs, and finally, when you die it is spades.

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I have a surefire way of stopping waitresses from asking a second time, “How is everything?" as I immediately start telling her about the boil on my back. She never ever asks me again.

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The three ages of men are: one, psyched up, two, psyched out, and finally, just an old psycho.

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