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Wife June says I can't keep anything from her.  She is wrong. I can feel a quarter in the lining of my coat, as it slipped through a hole in my pocket. She found the hole and sewed it shut.

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When I went into for my service induction the doctor asked the guy ahead of me, "Have you any physical defects that you know of?"

The answer came back really quick, "Why, yes. I do. I have no guts."

The next time I saw him, we were both at Fort Riley, Kansas.

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The hardest thing about ice skating is the ice, when you come down to it.

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It is a no-win situation — think of it this way. If everyone who is unemployed suddenly went to work, all the people working in the unemployment business would be unemployed.

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One thing I learned when June and I had children around the house was it was much better to give than to lend, as in the end it costs about the same.

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Think of it this way: the person who writes the bank advertising is not the person who will make the loans.

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My fortune cookie came with this message: "Without fools nothing would be fool-proofed."

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Wife June and I had four children, and that’s when I heard this being said: "Four crying out loud."

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One great thing about "fast forward" on the TV is you can review all the programs quickly, and find out there is nothing worth watching, and by that time you fall asleep.

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