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'Bachelorette' recap: Ellen Degeneres makes a cameo, Eric flips out

Justin Kirkland

Special to USA TODAY

We're here already — that inevitable point in the season where episodes of The Bachelorette are no longer linear.

Rose ceremonies are interrupted by rogue return guests and banana insults plague the night. Yes, it’s all pretty bonkers this year, and the only woman up for the job of handling it is Rachel. The typically dramatic moments aren't dramatic at all because Rachel isn't here for it — she sends DeMario packing because his ex Lexi had the receipts, she lets Lucas go because banana lies are the worst, and books Blake a ticket home because who wants a man who doesn't eat carbs? And then of course we lost Jamey, but also, who cares?

Post-ceremony, she takes a group of guys on a date and is joined by the incomparable Ellen, who finally takes Jonathan to task on this Tickle Monster business, confirming that not even a man of the trade enjoys a tickle fight. They end up dancing shirtless for Ellen's audience, and we learn a few things:

1. Alex might be a stripper.

2. Peter's arm tats are 100% approved.

3. Ellen is, and always will be, a national treasure.

Following the date, we learn that Alex peed in the mansion pool, which is unfortunate, but not quite as unfortunate as our boy Fred's oddly deep investment in Rachel from the third grade. Like, we've all been there, but owned it and let it go, you know? Since he was unable to free himself from his own chains, Fred was sent home. The past is a lonely place sometimes. Meanwhile, Alex locked in that group date rose.

In a strange one-on-one, Rachel and Anthony rode horses down Rodeo Drive, which is a great pun on rodeo, but also... it's a major safety hazard. (USA TODAY crashed this date, during which no animals were harmed.) He gets that rose, though, and lives to see another week.

'The Bachelorette': What's it like to go on a date with Rachel?

But let's get to the second date and the reason we come to The Bachelorette: men mud wrestling. Bryce and his alarmingly square jaw beat the actual wrestler/Fantastic 4 character for some extra time with Rachel, but it's Eric who locked in the group rose.

This week we're skipping the Sweet and Classy (for obviously reasons) and recognize the Sour and Sassy:

Sour

Nothing like a couple of straight dudes arguing about the potential of one being gay. Add a banana, and the joke is as tired as it is childish. So it's no surprise that the sour award comes down to a tie this week between Whaboom! specialist Lucas and the obsessed Blake K. Rachel had absolutely no interest in the conflict and did what the star typically isn't allowed to do so early in the season — shut. it. down.

Lucas and Blake K didn't end their arguing outside of the mansion, but... if no one cares about your argument, did it even happen? Take all the bananas in the world boys and have a heyday.

Double Sour

After winning the group rose, Eric flipped out about not getting enough time with Rachel, and Lee had no problem reporting it to our girl. Problem is, calling a black man aggressive just for strategy sake? Not great. Eric may look like a villain now, especially with No Nonsense Rachel confronting him about it. But Lee? That's the snake you need to keep your eyes on.

Sassy

Unfortunately, sassy is not always a compliment. When the guys were asked about who has kissed Rachel, Bryan referred to Rachel as "sloppy seconds." Bro tip: never refer to the girl you might want to marry as sloppy seconds.