David Letterman would like 'an hour and a half' with 'big and doughy' Trump

It's been almost two years since David Letterman delivered his last sign-off for the Late Show. But in the current political climate, it's hard not to wonder what sort of whip-smart, pointed punchlines the 69-year-old bearded wonder would deliver today.

In article appearing Monday in New York Magazine, the former late night staple painted a verbal portrait of what an episode would look like in the time of POTUS "Trumpy," as Letterman and his son, Harry, call him.

“If I still had a show, people would have to come and take me off the stage," said Letterman. "‘Dave, that’s enough about Trump. We’ve run out of tape.’ It’s all I’d be talking about. I’d be exhausted."

In contrast to Jimmy Fallon's interview with Trump in September, where the host fussed with Trump's infamous coif to Twitter critics' dismay, Letterman stated: "I would have gone to work on Trump."

"I would just start with a list," Letterman explained of his plan. "'You did this. You did that. Don’t you feel stupid for having done that, Don? And who’s this goon Steve Bannon, and why do you want a white supremacist as one of your advisers? Come on, Don, we both know you’re lying. Now, stop it.' I think I would be in the position to give him a bit of a scolding and he would have to sit there and take it. Yeah, I would like an hour with Donald Trump; an hour and a half."

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Letterman deemed the past guest of the Late Show "a joke of a wealthy guy.

"We didn’t take him seriously," the comedian confessed. "He’d sit down, and I would just start making fun of him. He never had any retort. He was big and doughy, and you could beat him up. He seemed to have a good time, and the audience loved it, and that was Donald Trump."

Throughout the interview, Letterman also took hits at Trump staffers, which diehards might be able to close their eyes and picture as a monologue Letterman might deliver from the arctic Ed Sullivan Theater after running across the stage.

"And he hires the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Steve Bannon, to be his little buddy," Letterman said about the top Trump advisor. "Bannon looks like a guy who goes to lunch, gets drunk, and comes back to the office: 'Steve, could you have just one drink?'"

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There would also be room in the hypothetical monologue for Kellyanne Conway, another senior advisor to Trump.

"This thing about her telling everyone, 'Go buy Ivanka’s shoes; I’m going to go buy Ivanka’s shoes,'" Letterman said. "Then they had to counsel her. Boy, if this administration decides you need counseling — whoa. And poor Sean Spicer is a boob who just got out of a cab and now here he is."

Jokes aside, Letterman issued a serious warning about Trump to readers.

"I’m tired of people being bewildered about everything he says: 'I can’t believe he said that,'" Letterman said. "We gotta stop that and instead figure out ways to protect ourselves from him. We know he’s crazy. We gotta take care of ourselves here now."

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